CHARLIE GRRR BIRTHDAY TRIBUTE

Sunday 10th September 2006

Hi Folks,

On Sunday September 10th 2006, it is a year exactly since Neph and I first met Charlie Grrr in a shop in Manchester. As Charlie doesn't seem to be at all sure when his real birthday is and exactly how old he is (although it was recently discovered that he has been releasing singles since AT LEAST 1975 - we are going to celebrate his birthday this weekend. In celebration of the fact that he has also been living with us since 11th September, I shall also be putting up his rent - from that date. hehe.

We start the celebrations with a detailed account of how our very first meeting transpired and will follow it tomorrow with Charlie's version of events. Hopefully there will also be some photos from the bear's birthday posted sometime next week.

Charlie is currently busy preparing for a World Tour and also for promotional work for the next Mouse of Commons novel; A MOUSE IN BEAR'S CLOTHING - a book in which he stars and which is due out in the next few weeks.

* HOW WE MET CHARLIE GRRR!! *

By Paul Chandler

I can tell you the day I first met Charlie Grrr – I’ve actually got it noted in my diary. The first time I saw him was Saturday 10th September 2005 – in the department store TK PAW in Manchester, which is under the GROWLMARKS in the Centre of the City. I was up there on a book signing, with my Assistant Photographer, Neph Mexico (at the time simply known as Master Nephtali) and we’d decided to go shopping and there we were, in TK PAW just looking to see if there were any bargains and with a shopping list as long as the Great Wall of China, from my flatmate, a bear named Marcel, when who should we see in the toy section, but this fine looking bear squashed onto a shelf.

“Oh!” I said to Neph. “Do you think he’s supposed to be like that – he looks a bit stuck?” Neph wasn’t sure, to be honest. “Is he really a toy bear?” I wondered. “He looks very real…” He did indeed and appeared to be tucking into some suspiciously foam looking pies. Neph suggested that I ask him if we could help and so I did just that. “Mr Bear…” I said. “My friend and I were wondering if you were a real bear or not… And if you’re okay… You look a little squished… Is there anything we can do to help?”

The Bear sort of froze and looked embarrassed. His mouth seemed full and he didn’t move. Neph wondered what was up with him – but just in case he was dangerous I drew my friend away to a distance. “He’s certainly a real bear – but I’m not sure what’s wrong with him?” I said. “Best to leave him I suppose…” Neph agreed and so we did just that and we left…

That night, we had a fine evening, dining out with some friends in China Town and having a couple of drinks – but, to be honest – my mind was on the bear we’d seen in the shop earlier that day. The next morning, having slept restlessly due to a fire alarm being triggered off for no reason at about 3am, I still felt concerned about the bear’s situation and so, over breakfast, I spoke to Neph and admitted this and he suggested we went back.

As it happened – we still had a couple of hours to kill before our train arrived, my chauffeur being unavailable that day - and so as soon as the store opened we hurried down to TK PAW to see if the bear was still in the toy department. To think – if we’d have booked an earlier train or the shop hadn’t been opened on a Sunday we might never have got to know Charlie.

Still, it’s no point regretting things now!! (joke!!)

Anyway, there in the shop I wasn’t really expecting to still see the bear. “He’s probably gone by now!” I told Neph, although I still wasn’t sure why a real bear would be visiting toys. Just as I spoke I noticed Neph excitedly pointing at the shelves. “My goodness!” I declared. “It’s him – he’s still there – that bear!!” I noted for the first time that he wasn’t wearing any clothes – but I didn’t like to say anything and thought it best to remain discreet. There he was, on almost the same shelf as we’d seen him yesterday, but looking more ruffled and hungry and squashed than before. “Hello…” I whispered, coming up close and noticing he didn’t have any pies this time. “Are you okay? What going on?”

The bear’s face brightened as he saw us and he obviously recognised us too. “Do you have any real pies?” he snuffled. “I’ve just eaten three from this shelf that turned out to be pillows and now my tummy is full of little feathers…”

“We don’t have any pies with us!” I told him. “But if you come with us I’m sure we could get you one! What about some clothes – maybe we ought to sort you some new clothes too?”

“Clothes? Oh – I suppose so – but pies are the priority!! Thing is, you see – I really can’t leave!” he explained. “I’d love to come with you – but I’m being held hostage!! You couldn’t help me, could you? My name’s Charlie Grrr – I’m a top tv celebrity in my own home country… If you’re really nice to me I can get you a genuine and not at all forged signature of The Beartles…”

“Don’t you mean The Beatles?” I corrected.

“No!” Charlie sighed. “The BEAR-tles! The Beatles just copied us! Don’t say you’ve never heard of us! We were massive in Beargrrria until those Liverpudlian larrikins stole our thunder!”

“Ok, right!” Neph and I weren’t at all sure what to make of this bear, but he seemed friendly enough and we wanted to help him. “You said you were being held hostage – what happened?”

“I was shopping!” he explained. “I’d planned to speak to someone about arranging a gig down in some bear pub on Canal Street – but, well – I never got to keep the appointment because some stupid girl here thought I was a teddy bear and whipped a security tag around my neck and – well – I’ve been here for nearly two weeks now… I keep trying the pies on the shelves – but they’re made of foam – I’m starving! I had to eat a posh ladies hat the other day and I’m afraid I also stole her shopping too – but it was all salad! Ikk!” he frowned sadly and made a face.

“Why didn’t you speak to someone?” I enquired.

“I did!” he told us. “They just thought I was battery operated and each time just put me back on the shelf! I wouldn’t have minded, but the doll opposite kept giving me the eye and calling me “Mama” and I’m really not that sort of bear!”

Neph laughed and I had to try and silence him by feeding one of the pillow pies and sending him off to sit the corner. “Why didn’t you try to escape?” I enquired.

“I did!!” Charlie insisted. “As I said – they either thought I was battery operated or the security alarm on my neck kept going off… I couldn’t get rid of it! It’s so unstylish – plain white plastic – not even a diamond stud or a frilly piece of lace to spritz it up! You’re the first people to notice me and ask if I needed any help!”

I nodded. “Sounds like you’ve had an awful time! You’re family must be missing you… Didn’t you have a mobile phone?”

“Back in the hotel!” he sighed. “Although I’m sure it’s long been snuffled by one of the hotel staff – either that or I have a very large hotel bill to pay later… As for family – I don’t have any over here – the folk from the Beargrrrian embassy wouldn’t even know where I was in the first place and as for my friend De Vere he’s always away on business… Oh, it’s such a mess!!” he almost sobbed and I think even a tear or two fell upon his fur.

“Well, don’t worry about it any more…” I told him. “We’re going to get you out of here… I suppose we’ll have to go and buy you or something… Is that okay? If you want to come back to London with us you can always lodge with us for a while…”

“Really!” exclaimed Charlie, excitedly. “Really truly!?”

“I have a flatmate who’s a bear…” I said. “Marcel – he’s an explorer! I’m his biographer – he and this guy called Shy Yeti…”

“Shy Yeti!” exclaimed Charlie. “The poet?” I nodded. “I know him! I met him once – I often read his poetry at my shows!”

“That’s great!” I agreed. “But we really must get you out of here before someone thinks I’m mad talking to you like this! Do you know how much you cost?” Charlie shook his head and looked embarrassed. “We’ll ask at the till!” I said. “Just don’t sneeze or speak or act suspiciously, okay? Not until we get out of here!”

“Okay!” agreed the bear. “Then you’ll take me for a pie or five?” I told him I would, suspecting that he already knew his price, but embarrassed how little they’d priced him up as.

“£17.99…” said the lady at the counter – it sounded plenty to me – but Charlie obviously didn’t agree. Thankfully Neph had the money as I hardly had any at the time and so we paid and left.

“I’ll be writing to complain, you know!” Charlie said furiously, once his tag had been removed. “I’m a big star, you know! I won’t put up with this sort of appalling behaviour!!”

The cashier looked at him strangely. “Okay love!” she laughed and then turned to me. “Bit gobby this one, chuck…” she said. “You’ll probably want to take the batteries out…”

“Oh yes…” I nodded. “If only it was that easy…”

Never a truer word has been spoken in jest, dear readers!

TOMORROW!!!

HOW CHARLIE GRRR MET US!!!